Give & Take

I bought my wife a pair of diamond earrings for valentine’s day this year. I think this may be the first time I’ve ever given a gift with a truly free heart, and not from either a sense of obligation or from some hidden expectation of gain. Sad that I wasted so many years thinking mostly of myself on occasions that call for attending to others; fortunate that I’ve at least begun to see how limiting such blind selfishness can be.

Look. I’m not claiming to be sitting under the Bo Tree, radiating light. I realize that most people clue in to this during basic socialization—in, say, grade school. But better late than never.

There are lots of self-serving ways to give gifts, take it from me. One classic is the narcissist’s gift: he gives an item that is not what the recipient desires, but is in fact what the giver himself would like to receive. This never fails to create warm, loving feelings in a relationship. Usually the narcissistic giver is unaware of his own motivation, and may be genuinely confused and offended when the recipient fails to react with the expected enthusiasm. The interchange might go something like this:

Giver: Look honey, I got you an Xbox for your birthday!
Recipient: (dejected) Great. It’s just what you wanted.
Giver: (angrily) Is nothing I do for you ever good enough?

Another favorite in my family is the gift of the comfy shackles. The comfy shackles are more insidious and potentially damaging than the narcissistic gift, but the two are similar in that the giver is once again unaware that his motivations are less-than-pure. Comfy shackles appear on the surface to be a generous and helpful gift, but are motivated—at least in part—by a desire to control the recipient and to cripple her independence. The unconscious goal of the giver of the comfy shackles is to keep the recipient close by and dependent. The comfy shackles work something like this:

Giver: Look here daughter, I’ve bought you this wonderful house just down the street from your mother and me. I know you’ve been having a hard time making a career decision, so I’ve decided to offer you a job in the family business, too!
Recipient: Oh, thank you. What would I do without wonderful, supportive parents like you?
Giver: You’ll always have our unconditional love and support, just as long as you never move more than three blocks away.

Writing this post, I’m reminded of the idea I was playing around with in LMAO—Finally!, namely the idea that one can be certain of the wholesomeness of one’s motives, and can be dead wrong. I used to mistakenly think that those who manipulate, disrespect, and behave badly toward others usually do so in full awareness that what they are up to is not very nice. I’ve come to see that most manipulators experience their own motives as benign—helpful even—and are genuinely unaware of the violence that they do to their partners, families, and friends.